he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
someone owes me an orgasm
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
