Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
