I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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