i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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