I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
