There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
