last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
