he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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