I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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