.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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