I got chris browned last night
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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