so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
