god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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