Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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