Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
