i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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