You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
