I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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