I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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