Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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