the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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