I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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