There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
