shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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