i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
