according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
