I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
