there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
