24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
