shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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