Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
