my mouth tastes like poor choices
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
