Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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