Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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