You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
