Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
