from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
