dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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