So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
