Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
