I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
