I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize