TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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