I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize