I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
