i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
