This girl is more easily done than said...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
