Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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