Don't make out with my wife yet
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
