Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
