Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
