I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
This is the high leading the old right now
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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