Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm really busy with my period
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