sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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