I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
