I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize