Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
